My Could Have

I find it fascinating that I still think about him. Women, they say, think of their past love as sweet memories while men keep their first love in their hearts. I wonder, are all those things that pop up on social media true? Those things about being psychologically connected. I’ve read that when you think about someone, it means they are thinking about you first. I also read that when you can’t sleep, you are awake in someone else’s dream. Are those all true or are those just made up by some hopeless romantic who has the same issues I have and end up filling them with senseless thoughts that maybe, just maybe… he thinks about me too. 

It was like a short summer love affair. “Short Summer Love Affair” was exactly what it was. Short, that base on my calculations lasted only for 3 weeks or less. Summer because all I could remember was how hot that month was (literally!). Love Affair, that it was nothing more than just two people exchanging messages and photos of how their day was knowing he is dating someone else… legally. 

A week after I met him, I had my weekly Bible session with some friends. They asked me how my trip was and I just exclaimed, “I have a crush.” That was just it… I never met him after but we communicated for a while. And then, it stopped. It stopped because all my issue suddenly resurfaced. My insecurities got the best of me. It was not him, it was me. To blame someone else besides myself for being unhappy was what I live for. I’m that damaged. 

All those things you hear or have read that “if he really wants to talk to you, he’ll call you” is bullshit. We all had our chance, we just took it for granted. Our prejudices, issues and insecurities included always makes us feel we don’t deserve to be happy when deep inside, if we were just a little normal, or I was just a little normal, I think it could’ve worked. They say, if something is meant for us, no matter the circumstance or situation, it will always come back. Does that mean I have to wait and how do you know when to stop waiting? 

Well, I’ve already diagnosed myself that I’m damaged. Maybe this time, all I have to do is pray that despite me being this damaged, someone out there is willing to fix anything that’s broken. Or if I’m blessed, someone who will not mind how broken and damaged I am. 

Let’s play the Blame Game

I might have ripped that from Kanye West’s song but with all the chaos surrounding me, that is exactly what I think everyone is playing. I’m experiencing a drought of enthusiasm and gusto that I have been noticing how negative people are or can be. Let me walk you through what these things are and how or why I have experienced this. 

[First] People love to talk about themselves. 

Seriously, how selfish can one person be? Am I that selfish? We always have that great/sad/lonely/happy/desperate experience we want to share to someone or to everyone but there will always be a lot of them out there who is going to out story your story! You feel bad, someone is going to feel worst, another person that you’re talking to will know someone who experienced something far worst than those two stories that was just told combined. Is it just my culture or is this global thing of “out story-ing” someones story normal? Or… 

Gretchen Wieners [Mean Girls]: I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me… but I can’t help it that I’m so popular

[Second] Its not my fault.

You did not do that? You should be doing that. Oh, its his/her job to do that. How come nobody is still doing that. That’s because they’re still trying to figure out who should do that

People, why? I get it. We’re busy. We pretend what we’re doing is so important. Can it change the world? Damn you. #You are not building an empire. Someone is building an empire and you are just the tiny lego that allows that person to get higher and higher and higher and… you get the point? I am not belittling anyone. Sure, we’re doing work. Some to survive, others to feel they are needed and some are just staying on an 8-hour workday to save for them to do things they’re passionate of. In the meantime, let us all act humanly and be civil about it. 

Helmsley [2012]: I know we’ve all been forced to make difficult decisions to save our human civilization, but to be human means to care for each other and civilization means to work together to create a better life.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I now wrap this up with a quote by Marianne Williamson. Truth is, I don’t know who she is, what I saw on Tumblr just hit my heart. I cannot yell or hate and tell people I do not care. I’d like to believe I’m well-grounded enough not to be part or not to become these people. All I can do is write and rant about it… so here’s the quote sort of summarising the reason these things happen to me: “What’s difficult in life is to stay centered when somebody does or says something that tempts us to close our hearts because their heart was closed. That is hard. But that is also how we grow. We go through those circumstances in order to evolve into people who can hold to our loving center no matter what the world throws us.” 

Becoming A Better Person

My system is against me and I have been feeling depressed for the past days. I actually googled this earlier… 

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Instead of mourning my miserable life, I have decided to make a list of things that would make me a better person. I’m weird like that. 

1. Pray more. 

A few months ago, I had the best month of my life. I loved my job, I did not care about other people… I was happy. With everything that was happening, I did not have time to assess the chaos surrounding me and what I did more than anything was… Pray. Note to self: Do not stop praying, what kind of person does that? Seriously.

2. Exercise

“I have been wanting to do this but I just don’t have the time and energy.” Bullshit. I have all the time in the world. Note to self: Lazy ass, buy running shoes. That’s your gift to yourself. 

3. Save 

I think, one thing that made me happy during those times was the sense of security knowing I have a few “money in the bank.” I still have money in the bank… just below maintaining balance. Note to self: You don’t need new clothes, you don’t even go out. 

4. Smile

Something happened… I used to be the happy girl who smiles a lot. Maybe its the environment… *Coughs 

5. And just Live… 

Life’s a mess but that doesn’t mean its the worst. There is so much more to be thankful for than saying I’m not happy. 

I feel the need to write.

Note: Late post. Written: October 17, 2013

I’ve been trying to post something on my blog for the past months but I just can’t seem to know the things to say. I’m currently at the airport waiting to board and though its almost 5AM in the morning, I seem to have a lot to write. First, I think I fell in love and second, I feel the need to leave. 
 
I have been persistent about my love life. Not only because I think it does not exist but I’ve always feel that its already time (maybe, even too late). Before I go there, I’ll share with you about the best month of my short life, so far. 
 
September 2013. It was the most awesome month I’ve ever had. The people I met, the food I ate, the things I learned and have accomplished. It was what I think God thinks I deserve. The first week started pretty bleak, I was anxious but the plus was that, I get to go to another country. I was excited yet scared. It was something new to me and that was what I always wanted: NEW. That week in Bangkok was beyond amazing. Honestly, I was not able to go anywhere besides the hotel and the place where we had our training/work but knowing other culture and having to experience a piece of it made me fall in love… 
 
With traveling. It was my birthday month and I had to give myself something for working hard. Yes, I work hard. It may not be obvious but I work really hard and try to be the best in what I do. So, going back. As a gift for myself, I went to Kuala Lumpur. I heard a lot of negative things about Kuala Lumpur, like how rude people are and how its just like Manila. To be honest, I’m not the biggest fan of Manila. In fact, I abhor the place but our main office and I’ve had a lot of friends while I worked there for a few months so I keep on coming back. Despite those things, I still had this little miss sunshine persona that I would enjoy and love the place. And I did. 
 
The airport was far from the city and my friend and I had to endure about an hour bus ride. We arrived at around 1AM so imagine our exhaustion. It was quite smooth despite the distance and I was asleep most of it so I really did not notice. We headed straight to our hotel and slept because we had an early tour of the city. I think I slept for less than 5 hours and went down to meet our tour guide, Bernard. When he saw us he said, “I’ve been here an hour.” Deep inside, I was like, “sorry, Filipinos.” So we did the touristy stuff. I know, people or most travelers would say its better to not have a tour guide and do things just on your own but having one made me know the city more. I think its more like having a friend introduce you to someone, its more comfortable. If you don’t like that person, you can always tell your friend and thats how I felt with having a tour guide. The city slowly opened up to me and despite everything I heard about it, she was awesome. 
 
The next day, we went shopping. I love Kuala Lumpur and I could not be more happy than the 6% tax they have! As a Filipino, I know that in Southeast Asia, we have the biggest tax and I don’t want to get into the details of where that goes. Going back to KL, I love the shopping. I’d definitely go back for more of that. 
 
After all that I’ve experienced by being in two different countries in a month, I felt sad and happy. Happy that I get to experience all those things despite my circumstance and I feel sad because I know that my country can offer more to me than any other countries yet many, including me, opt to go to another country because of how corrupt our system is. 
 
Yes, I fell in love and I’d definitely work harder and save more to travel more. My new motto: I will work for travel. With that, everyday I’ve always feel the need and I think its correlated with what I fell in love with. 

Hello.

Seriously, I have a lot of things to do. A lot of work to do but what I’ve been doing for the past two days have been, as much as I hate to admit it, is very unproductive.

Let me tell you a story.

Last night, I was dozing off to sleep when a very good friend of mine called me. What made me turn on the lights… was her crying. I may be heartless, but I wanted to go to wherever she was. But she insisted me not to and told me she’s OK and she just wanted to someone to talk to. I’ve read this before, I know what to do… I just had to listen. I don’t have to offer any advise or tell her anything. I’m not in the right position. So, I listened.

What I find heartbreaking is the fact that as women… we cry a lot. Even more heartbreaking… we don’t deserve it.

The pain that you get when someone you love breaks your heart is just downright exhausting and crappy. The person that you would take a bullet for is sometimes the person who holds the gun. How crazy is that? What I think though, is that God would not give you battles you cannot handle. I asked a friend once on what she felt when she was left and up to now her words still lingers. She said, “When something like that happens to you, that’s when you’ll learn how strong you are.”

I’ve been into a lot of realizations but it all ends up with me being stubborn. I do not envy my friends who have been in and out of relationships. I would rather be alone, reading a book and just dwell on how great my life is that I’m doing everything I want without anyone reprimanding me. It feels great to be alone. I am alone but I’m not lonely. I feel superior and strong that I have been this person all this time.

Truth is, I’m the coward who skips on love just to preserve myself from getting hurt.

Yes, I said it.

Finally, I admitted it.

One year and 10 months

I just received an email from one of my supervisors. Someone I personally don’t know but is apparently a part of the company I’m currently in, is resigning. His email states that he has been with the company for “1 year and five months” and that he is “most grateful and blessed to have a career niche.”  

It inspired me to blog. 

Shallow, I know. But, as much as I hate to admit it, I’m self-centered. 

I have been working for 1 year and 10 months in this company. How many times have I thought of resigning? Two or three. Why I haven’t done it yet? Aside from the fact that I have a bond, I don’t know what I want to do with my life yet. I find it sad that I’m 23 years old and I still don’t know what I want.

Get a boyfriend, get married, and have kids?

No. I don’t think so. 

Go to work for the rest of my life and eventually die. 

I’ve thought about it. It scares the hell out of me that I will be working for the rest of my life, drink wine alone at night thinking about how life passed by so quickly, die eventually without anyone noticing. 

Its sad

F*ck, I should probably think about what I’m doing with this sh*t. 

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Being Thankful.

Not totally, but I am a pessimistic person. I go by the saying, “Hope for the best, expect the worst.” I try to live that way for me not to get hurt. More like, self preservation on my part.

The past days, I have been working (well, as much as I’d like to believe) my ass off. I try to compare but then, I realize that my greatest competition is myself; to not be envious, for there are a lot to go around for everyone.  Basically, I have just been trying to be Thankful. So instead of whining about how my life is not turning out the way I want it to be, I will count the blessings and the things that I am thankful for since I have a few months left until the year ends.

1. I am Thankful that I have taxes to pay 

I remember when Queen Latifah was asked, I’m not sure, but I think, it was Tyra Banks who asked her, “If there was one crime you’d want to commit, what would it be?” And with glee, she said, “TAX EVASION!” I was still studying that time, so I really didn’t get it. But when I started working, I’m like, “Damn, that girl was right.” She goes on saying, you work this hard, stay up late and everything, and the government is just there and takes most of your hard earned cash. Crazy, right?

Well, I have done my fair share of whining every time I see the tax deduction on my pay slip. Now, I try to be Thankful. I’m not saying, I’m totally over it, its just that, I’m trying to get there. Having taxes to pay means that I have a job and having more taxes to pay compared to others means that, I earn more than a few. Not everyone gets that lucky. 

I’ve always believed that I landed on my job by luck. I was a fresh graduate who didn’t have a clue what I was going to do with my life. Luckily for me, I met a person who knew where I should be. I’ll forever be thankful for that.

2. I am Thankful that I am God-fearing 

I don’t know if everyone experienced it but there was a point in my life that I questioned God’s existence. Being raised by a Catholic family and attending a Jesuit University my entire life, I was the last person I thought would ever question such thing. But, I did. I do not understand why evil exist or why bad things happen to good people. I just don’t.

Through out my life, though, I have always talked to God. Maybe because I always felt alone. There are times when I literally have no one, and because I was raised believing that you don’t have to pray for God to listen to you, you just talk to him… that’s what I just do. The books I’ve read, the things that have been taught in school about God’s existence or a transcendent being for me is… comforting.

To know you have someone who is not judgmental despite the things you do in this life somehow makes life easier. Knowing that you are not alone just makes life bearable.

3. I am Thankful that I am irritated that my family is minding my business.  

Common questions: “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” “What are you doing with all those books?Why have you eaten yet?” “The remote does not work, fix it.” “Let me borrow the shirt you just bought.” “Why don’t you have a social life?” “Why are you always sleeping?” and so much more.

Thankful that despite that, I am not alone. 🙂

4. I am Thankful that I get to walk and commute on my way to work.  

I’m a walker. Ever since I went to the gym (another love/hate relationship), I have always loved walking/sprinting/jogging/running on the treadmill. When I was in high school, I came across this quote: “I cried because I had no shoes, ’till I saw a man with no feet.” Up to this day, I always think about that line and it just doesn’t put me on the mood of using my legs but also applies to other things like, being thankful that I have to do my quarterly reports for work, that I have emails to reply to, or that I have too many books to read. 

I have a lot of things to be thankful for but this blog is now too long to be read on one sitting. You get the gist though, right? To enjoy and be thankful for the little things, more often than not, they are the big things. 🙂

What are you thankful for? 😉