I find it fascinating that I still think about him. Women, they say, think of their past love as sweet memories while men keep their first love in their hearts. I wonder, are all those things that pop up on social media true? Those things about being psychologically connected. I’ve read that when you think about someone, it means they are thinking about you first. I also read that when you can’t sleep, you are awake in someone else’s dream. Are those all true or are those just made up by some hopeless romantic who has the same issues I have and end up filling them with senseless thoughts that maybe, just maybe… he thinks about me too.
It was like a short summer love affair. “Short Summer Love Affair” was exactly what it was. Short, that base on my calculations lasted only for 3 weeks or less. Summer because all I could remember was how hot that month was (literally!). Love Affair, that it was nothing more than just two people exchanging messages and photos of how their day was knowing he is dating someone else… legally.
A week after I met him, I had my weekly Bible session with some friends. They asked me how my trip was and I just exclaimed, “I have a crush.” That was just it… I never met him after but we communicated for a while. And then, it stopped. It stopped because all my issue suddenly resurfaced. My insecurities got the best of me. It was not him, it was me. To blame someone else besides myself for being unhappy was what I live for. I’m that damaged.
All those things you hear or have read that “if he really wants to talk to you, he’ll call you” is bullshit. We all had our chance, we just took it for granted. Our prejudices, issues and insecurities included always makes us feel we don’t deserve to be happy when deep inside, if we were just a little normal, or I was just a little normal, I think it could’ve worked. They say, if something is meant for us, no matter the circumstance or situation, it will always come back. Does that mean I have to wait and how do you know when to stop waiting?
Well, I’ve already diagnosed myself that I’m damaged. Maybe this time, all I have to do is pray that despite me being this damaged, someone out there is willing to fix anything that’s broken. Or if I’m blessed, someone who will not mind how broken and damaged I am.